Leaning back

Understanding. Wondering. Longing. Looking. Hiding. Seeking. Trying. Failing. Needing. Crying. Trembling. Leaning back, waiting……………….

Wondering

So strong and Independent, so fragile and vulnerable.

My combinations frustrates and fascinates me and makes me even more daring.

I am complex and easygoing, satisfied and longing.

Is it the balance in me, that makes me go on, exposing myself for the unknown.

I am hungry for more, learning, experiencing, promoting, being in it, feeling the pulse on life.

Foundation

Repeatedly I get the feeling of wanting to turn away and run.

Scared of my visibility, still wanting to be seen.

I’ll hold me in my arms and explore my options while I`ll reach out for you.

External understanding of me, explicit emotions for you to see.

I am not alone and it scares me.

Never mind

Streaming down

Slowly
Running wild
I can’t hold back, why can’t I
If I could, would I

I’ll turn my back on me
Pretending its ok
Leaning back, waiting for it to pass

Numbness

Times are standing still.
Emotions running dry.
Who am I to wish for predictability and absence of lies.
In my mind I fight the demons.
In my heart I surrender and sigh.

The icing cold

Sometimes I feel the icing cold.
As a frail wind passing or just breeze in my hair.
Then, I don’t feel alone, I feel lonesome.

Thank you for sharing

I experience that words from peers can turn my mind. I suddenly get the incomprehensible and my reality changes in a split second. I appreciate the functions of my mind and humbly bow for the insight I get. It’s easier to float downstream now, thanks to your generosity and wisdom.


Thank you, for sharing……………………….

On top of the world

So here I am, back on top of the world.
I God Damn made it and it feels like I am invincible.
I just LOVES the ups and down of life. The feeling of floating with faith makes me humble.

I’ll just enjoy my ride and stay in the sun for a while.
Then, I’ll bet, if I’m not mistaken, I’ll have to go back and check out the shadows again…………………..

Hanging in there.......................

The feeling of just hanging in there, is familiar. It comes back, over and over again.
Doesn’t it have places to go, others to see.
Feels like I’m fighting for what’s seems basic for others.
I’ll never give up. Never surrender. I’ll hang on, fighting forever and ever until the end of time.

So just get used to it, I’m here to stay………

Black and white

The probability that life is all black and white is next to nothing.
Still, it feels that way sometimes. The loss of a loved one. The longed freedom.
Is there really a choice to choose from this, or is life playing a trick on me.
Astounded by the way I feel, I might look back with tears in my eyes.

Hold my hand...

I am stretching. The sky is my limit.
I want passion. Passion from me. Passion for me. I want it all in my life.
It’s all over. Wondering. Wanting. Holding back.
Here I am as good as ill ever be. Hold my hand.

Dansing with Diaz

There are rare occasions in my life where I can feel the blood genuinely rushing through my vain.
I am strong and untouchable. High on life. Displacing what is prohibitively and unbearable.
When I leave this state, I more clearly identify my reality.

Life is fragile, and so am I.

On my way.....

I am good at hiding me from myself and settle, Ignorant of what my needs and dreams may be. How would it be to go downstream, flowing unanimously with how I am feeling. I am scared of what may be there, waiting. Where does the river end? Holding my breath, I stroll on the sidewalk barefoot feeling the ground under my feet, just looking at the river. It’s running too fast.

I sense it.

Somewhere out there, I sense its present. I don’t want to sense, no more. Leave me alone and take it all away. I put it behind me, like a shadow it will catch me again. Do I need to keep out of the sun? Will my shadows get smaller if I face it. Will you step into the shadows with me, or is my shadows just not a place you would want to be.

My secrets

I don’t feel like sharing my secrets and still I have the need to tell someone. Who would I be if they were all gone, my secrets. How can I choose and whom can I trust in my ordeal of liberation. Still inside of me, yearning for empathy and understanding, are my words forever unspoken. I’ll give them to you if I dare, if I believe you can handle my desperation.

In the shadow

I feel a need to stand in the shadow looking at the sun. I am in pain, I know how to relief it and still I choose not to. What if the sun hit my skin and I could feel warm again, would I like it? I’ll stay in the shadow for a while longer. If you ever see me there, in the sun, enjoying, relaxing, remind me, this is not how it used to be. You have changed.

Lost in the crowd

When I keep my mind open, words and moments may turn everything around and my truth has a new beginning. How it used to be, gets untuchable and only in my memory. I strongly believe that those moments mostly gets lost. I want to go searching for those moments and for those words and embrace what comes my way.

No words needed

Embarresed

I do not often get embarrassed. When I do, the feeling is stuck with me for a long time. I have often wondered how come some people get embarrassed a lot while others don’t.

I understand that for me my embarrassment has been more clearly since I really thought about my words spoken and actually absorb what those words are doing to the recipient. I also listen more to my interlocutor and ask if something is not clear to me.

I like getting this feeling, it makes me feel alive.

Transparent

I wonder if the feeling of being transparent is my worst feeling and my best.


Sometimes I just need to go with the flow. I have found that very hard at times and experience that my need for exposure are often bigger than the need of being anonymous. I have a tendency to be noticeably among others and I often think about how I do this.

Some other thought of transparency are where I am being ignored or just not heard. I believe, that for me, this is the most disrespectful anyone can be. I also recognize the feelings of wanting to ignore things or people.
I need people who are clear and visible. I prefer not to try guessing people’s opinions and thoughts, I always fail.

Stronger

Sometimes I feel so strong, As if there is no limit to what I can do. I always hope that this feeling will stay with me forever. And I know from experience that it doesn’t.


I have tried to figure out what I do that gives me this wonderful feeling. So far in my life, I don’t have an answer. I only know when this feeling is present and when it is not.
What I do recognize are witch people that are active in my life at those times.
I will surround myself with people that would want me to be all that I can be.
And I sincerely hope that I am that kind of person for those I love and care for.

Being right

What is it about being right all the time? I have the need of being understood and I find little joy in being right except if I made a bet with someone. I actually find disagreement refreshing as long as both parties have the ability of dialog. I wonder what kind of joy it would give me, how I would interact with others if being right was my main focus. And when that’s said, I also wonder if I don’t have fighting abilities, if I really don’t have this need or is it just that I am not aware of it. I can live with disagreement and not getting what I want as long as I am heard and preferably understood. Understanding is not agreeing.

Shame

There are times, when decisions are tuff and I would like to just hide for a while. All my thoughts of who I am and what I believe in are questioned by myself. In these times, I see clearly who is my allied in life and whom I can trust and lean on. I am grateful for those people. I know that I will get strengthened by diversity and I have strong belief in myself. I wonder sometimes how it is, that in these circumstances I feel my shame so strongly and how I so profoundly doubt myself.

Loosing my head

I know my feeling of "loosing" my head. Not in an angry way, but in a sad and frustrated way. Sometimes I feel as though my body is totally separated from my head, and one part is not aware of what the other is doing.

Many of my painting have images of a person with no head. When I started painting I was shore that nobody would like my headless painting, and I was okay with that. To my surprise, I was wrong……….