Transparent

I wonder if the feeling of being transparent is my worst feeling and my best.


Sometimes I just need to go with the flow. I have found that very hard at times and experience that my need for exposure are often bigger than the need of being anonymous. I have a tendency to be noticeably among others and I often think about how I do this.

Some other thought of transparency are where I am being ignored or just not heard. I believe, that for me, this is the most disrespectful anyone can be. I also recognize the feelings of wanting to ignore things or people.
I need people who are clear and visible. I prefer not to try guessing people’s opinions and thoughts, I always fail.

Stronger

Sometimes I feel so strong, As if there is no limit to what I can do. I always hope that this feeling will stay with me forever. And I know from experience that it doesn’t.


I have tried to figure out what I do that gives me this wonderful feeling. So far in my life, I don’t have an answer. I only know when this feeling is present and when it is not.
What I do recognize are witch people that are active in my life at those times.
I will surround myself with people that would want me to be all that I can be.
And I sincerely hope that I am that kind of person for those I love and care for.

Being right

What is it about being right all the time? I have the need of being understood and I find little joy in being right except if I made a bet with someone. I actually find disagreement refreshing as long as both parties have the ability of dialog. I wonder what kind of joy it would give me, how I would interact with others if being right was my main focus. And when that’s said, I also wonder if I don’t have fighting abilities, if I really don’t have this need or is it just that I am not aware of it. I can live with disagreement and not getting what I want as long as I am heard and preferably understood. Understanding is not agreeing.

Shame

There are times, when decisions are tuff and I would like to just hide for a while. All my thoughts of who I am and what I believe in are questioned by myself. In these times, I see clearly who is my allied in life and whom I can trust and lean on. I am grateful for those people. I know that I will get strengthened by diversity and I have strong belief in myself. I wonder sometimes how it is, that in these circumstances I feel my shame so strongly and how I so profoundly doubt myself.

Loosing my head

I know my feeling of "loosing" my head. Not in an angry way, but in a sad and frustrated way. Sometimes I feel as though my body is totally separated from my head, and one part is not aware of what the other is doing.

Many of my painting have images of a person with no head. When I started painting I was shore that nobody would like my headless painting, and I was okay with that. To my surprise, I was wrong……….